Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Just writing some thoughts...
Thoughts...
So I don't know why, but I feel like I just need to write out my thoughts, and maybe the two of you that actually read this can have some advice or something. I hate that I think about getting work done more than playing with Cooper sometimes...I have to work 4 hours a day for Utah.com, plus I do some wedding videos. Sometimes I just can't wait for him to take a nap so I can keep working. It's like it's held over my head all day until those 4 hours are done! I wish I didn't feel that way because it makes me feel guilty. I want to enjoy all the time I have with Cooper. Which I enjoy a lot of it, but I am counting down till his nap so I can get those hours in.. How do I balance that a little better?
I also HATE the fact that if we wanted to get pregnant again,,we CAN'T because it's too blasted expensive! We don't qualify for medicaid (which pays for everything), but we don't have enough to pay for private insurance. (I mean, we are only working part-time, and Austin is a full-time student too!). I think the only option we have is for me to work full-time again, and it is killing me!! The thing is, when I pray about it I never feel like that is the wrong decision, so maybe that's what I'm really supposed to do for this short period of life. We would have to find a baby sitter for Cooper for like 5 or 6 hours a day, and that makes me so sad, and another selfish thing...I had a goal to do 20 weddings this year, and if I work full-time I basically would have to give up my own business and just let it go. Why is it so hard to just trust in the lord sometimes? I guess I can't say I've gotten an answer that "yes, you have to work full-time", but when I do pray it definitely doesn't feel wrong, and it's the only option I can see in order to be able to afford a new baby. It's not like we are in a huge hurry either, but it would be nice not to have to wait until Austin can work full time after he graduates in a year too. Anyway, it's just been a hard couple days wondering what we should really do. I hate the fact that it's hard enough to work 4 hours a day, let alone 8. I LOVE my job, and I get paid well, and I get to work at home, which is an amazing blessing, I just don't want to go full-time :( I don't know though, maybe it will be a blessing in disguise,that I can learn many new things about filming and editing, and maybe even get a better savings to buy a house someday...Cooper will be fine, many moms have to work full-time and their children are just fine. It wouldn't be forever, just a short time...Ahh, just kinda bumbed, when I should feel so blessed that I even have that option.
Guess I'm done. I just love my little Cooper man, and don't like feeling this way. Life is really good though, and I am very blessed.
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Hey darling! I think, for the most part, the Lord lets us choose for ourselves what course to take in our lives. I think there are obviously pro's and con's to both decisions, but the good thing is, if you were to go full time, it's not like it's permanent. You could go back to part time, or just doing weddings, etc. It sounds like there is flexibility in these options which is very good. And you're so smart and creative - I am sure if you were to get pregnant again, say right now, you'd make it work somehow. :) Good luck with your decisions! Let me know if I can help you at all. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteWell, I think one of the important points here is that you DO want to enjoy your time with Cooper. You WANT to spend time with him. There isn't anything wrong with enjoying some alone time where you can get things accomplished. I think it's human nature to get things done. Especially for someone that loves their job like you do. There isn't anything wrong with wanting to do your job. It's how you provide for your family! As for the insurance, been there done that. You'll figure something out. And praying about it is definitely a good start. The Lord won't forget about you.
ReplyDeleteJust FYI, Keith pooped while I was typing this, so I started to change his diaper, and he peed all over the place. I also am looking forward to nap time today.
I work 4 hours a day too and have agonized over the same feelings. You should call me some time.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much you all. You're the best. It's real nice to get some encouraging words. Kendra, we should talk. It's great to know you are going through the same thing too. Love you all.
ReplyDeleteSo I'm a bit late on the draw and hopefully me commenting isn't overstepping. I'm a full time working mom. It works for my family and our situation.
ReplyDeleteFrom everything that I can tell, You're an amazing mom and talented woman. I think sometimes getting the 'right' answer implies there is a right and wrong answer. I don't know that there is a wrong answer here. The Lord is letting you know that he will be there regardless of the path you choose and that you are capable of handling either situation. You are an incredible person. A wonderful mother. And I'm sure, the best wife your husband could ask for. Do not doubt yourself.