Just writing some thoughts...

Thoughts... So I don't know why, but I feel like I just need to write out my thoughts, and maybe the two of you that actually read this can have some advice or something. I hate that I think about getting work done more than playing with Cooper sometimes...I have to work 4 hours a day for Utah.com, plus I do some wedding videos. Sometimes I just can't wait for him to take a nap so I can keep working. It's like it's held over my head all day until those 4 hours are done! I wish I didn't feel that way because it makes me feel guilty. I want to enjoy all the time I have with Cooper. Which I enjoy a lot of it, but I am counting down till his nap so I can get those hours in.. How do I balance that a little better? I also HATE the fact that if we wanted to get pregnant again,,we CAN'T because it's too blasted expensive! We don't qualify for medicaid (which pays for everything), but we don't have enough to pay for private insurance. (I mean, we are only working part-time, and Austin is a full-time student too!). I think the only option we have is for me to work full-time again, and it is killing me!! The thing is, when I pray about it I never feel like that is the wrong decision, so maybe that's what I'm really supposed to do for this short period of life. We would have to find a baby sitter for Cooper for like 5 or 6 hours a day, and that makes me so sad, and another selfish thing...I had a goal to do 20 weddings this year, and if I work full-time I basically would have to give up my own business and just let it go. Why is it so hard to just trust in the lord sometimes? I guess I can't say I've gotten an answer that "yes, you have to work full-time", but when I do pray it definitely doesn't feel wrong, and it's the only option I can see in order to be able to afford a new baby. It's not like we are in a huge hurry either, but it would be nice not to have to wait until Austin can work full time after he graduates in a year too. Anyway, it's just been a hard couple days wondering what we should really do. I hate the fact that it's hard enough to work 4 hours a day, let alone 8. I LOVE my job, and I get paid well, and I get to work at home, which is an amazing blessing, I just don't want to go full-time :( I don't know though, maybe it will be a blessing in disguise,that I can learn many new things about filming and editing, and maybe even get a better savings to buy a house someday...Cooper will be fine, many moms have to work full-time and their children are just fine. It wouldn't be forever, just a short time...Ahh, just kinda bumbed, when I should feel so blessed that I even have that option. Guess I'm done. I just love my little Cooper man, and don't like feeling this way. Life is really good though, and I am very blessed.